19TH CENTURY MOURNING—PART ONE: DID THE VICTORIANS HAVE IT RIGHT? By Jaymi Trimble M.A. Southern Antebellum History

Victorians didn't pretend death wasn't a part of life, as death came calling often.  Death was unpredictable…mourning was not. 

Mourning was governed by strict rules of etiquette.  There were three different and specific periods of mourning. Deep Mourning was the first stage.  During this time, mourning clothes were plain with little or no adornment.  Everything was black—clothing, jewelry, gloves, and a black veil would obscure the woman’s face.  This attire was referred to as “widow’s weeds” a name popularized after Queen Victoria’s beloved Prince Albert died (1861).  While in Deep Mourning, a woman would seclude herself—no parties, gatherings or calling (i.e. visits—not Ma Bell).  This phase of mourning would last (at least) one year and a day. 

Not only did women drape themselves in black during this time of mourning, their homes reflected their grief and loss as well.  My old stomping grounds while living in Houston was the history rich corridor of plantations between Houston and New Orleans (and thereabouts).  Toward the beginning of my fascination with Southern History (1820 up to the War Between The States), I visited The Myrtles Plantation in St. Francisville, Louisiana and learned about mirrors being draped in black crape to keep the spirit of the newly departed, from getting trapped in the looking glass (mirror) while crossing over.  Given that this was considered a time when the veil was thin, the black crape would also serve to catch any wayward spirits from exiting the looking glass.

When Deep Mourning had passed, a woman entered Second Stage Mourning, which would last another nine to 12 months.  During this stage the strict rules of mourning were relaxed.  Black was still worn as the predominant color; however, the veil of black crape was lifted.  During the latter part of the Victorian Era doctors were calling for losing the thick black veils after the first few days of Deep Mourning had passed because they claimed womens' eyesight was being permanently affected!  During Second Stage, black lace, collars and cuffs were removed and replaced with white signifying to others that Deep Mourning had passed.   Jewelry choices were more liberal, as well. 

Last, in this long process was Half Mourning.  Half mourning lasted about six months, during which time women were no longer limited strictly to black garments adorned in a touch of white.  They could add lilac, lavender, violet, mauve and gray.  Though still limited to bonnets (not hats), stylish bonnets could be crafted by the milliner in white or lavender silk, or even straw. 

Half Mourning Dress, circa 1855.
Courtesy of the North Carolina Museum of History

At the time of Half Mourning, women might want to begin calling again.  This was not as simple as going out for a visit.  Such re-introduction to society was governed by rules of etiquette.  “When persons who have been in mourning wish to reenter society, they should leave cards on all their friends and acquaintances, as an intimation that they are equal to the paying and receiving of calls. Until this intimation is given, society will not venture to intrude upon the mourner's privacy.” (Mourning and Funeral Usages", Harpers Bazaar, April 17, 1886).

And…just in case you were not grieved by your husband’s passing, there were instructions for that too.  Consider this excerpt from, "Mourning and Funeral Usages", Harpers Bazaar, April 17, 1886:  “For the heartless wife who, instead of being grieved at the death of her husband, is rejoiced at it, should be taught that society will not respect her unless she pays to the memory of the man whose name she bears that "homage which vice pays to virtue," a commendable respect to the usages of society in the matter of mourning and of retirement from the world. Mourning garments have this use, that they are a shield to the real mourner, and they are often a curtain of respectability to the person who should be a mourner but is not.”  

Mourning was BIG business.  Many companies preyed upon…I mean…catered to the grieving, providing everything right down to the proper mourning pins—because—even the pins you used had to be black!  

And…what of men during times of mourning?  Women sure did get the short end of the stick—even in death.  Men were not held to the same strict standards as women.  Men wore a black crape band around their arm and set about their business.  If it was the wife that passed, the husband was not encumbered by any mourning mores.  In fact, he would probably begin to look for a new wife right away, because there was the practical matter of the children to be looked after.  If one horse dies, another must be purchased right away to run the race.  Practical and patriarchal.  Seriously…if it was the wife left surviving with a passel of children, she could have no way looked for a new husband.  So, unless the widow wanted dishonor and scandal to befall her and her family, societal norms said she and the children were to rely on the kindness of others.  If that kindness was not forthcoming for THREE YEARS while she honored mourning etiquette, she may likely have found herself in the poorhouse—while a man had no such restraints on his practicality. 

Inequality and mourning etiquette aside…let's consider why the Victorian mourning period was sooooo long?  Because…grief is like that.  Were the Victorians onto something (sans the mourning garb, of course)?  Those we love leave us too soon.  If you've lost someone dear to you, you’ll understand that by today's norms, folks expect your grieving to be well under control by the time your two week (if you have that much) leave from work is done.  Does grieving begin to end that quickly?  Grieving is a process.  It is physical.  It is emotional.  It is mental.  After a period of about two and a half years the pain begins to ebb.  That doesn't mean we don't begin to move on with life much sooner than that, however, in our society, if you aren't “better” after, say, six weeks, nine at the most, you are sent to the doctor for pills to help you cope.  Do you suppose not coping well after you've had your world ripped apart is…dare I say it…normal and not a pharmaceutical issue that needs to be labeled and medicated.  Just sayin’.